Hello and welcome to my twisted mind.
Shall we go for ride together? But before we do, I should warn you, the road is winding, full of dead ends, potholes, speed bumps, 90° turns (or maybe even 180°), and of course, coffee breaks (that’s the nice part of the journey).
I am actually having a coffee as I'm writing these words, as always. Is it a cliché? Yes completely, but I find that writing while sipping a good coffee and listening to the world around me feels a bit... romantic. I like that.
Back when I was a manager and coach, coffee shops were my favourite places to work from. Today I can't afford going to coffee shops, so I write from home, but I still have coffee. Today’s is prepared with my coffee maker and I tried to settle on my little balcony because for the first time in a long while, a light veil of clouds covers the sky and prevents me from baking in the sun. Writing outside… isn’t it fantastic?
Ok, ok, I admit, I’m not in nature in a dream setting, but my little balcony perched in my building is already a good start, isn’t it? I feel a bit like Juliet waiting for her Romeo, except that if he comes, I will be so absorbed in writing this post that the poor thing will have time to stew in the sun like an old grape forgotten by a grape picker… Poor Romeo. I hope someone will pick you before you ripen.
Oh, Romeo, Romeo, sorry but you are not the topic of the day Romeo. Let’s get back to it.
Recently, August helping a lot, I've been considering what happened over my last few years. With the new school year approaching, it's time to make decisions:
Should I continue in the same direction?
Take a slight turn?
Completely change course?
I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel like my life is a roundabout and I'm going around in circles looking for the right exit. The centrifugal force makes me feel nauseous and if I don't take a direction very quickly, I'm going to end up spilling my coffee straight into my Italian coffee maker. Or on the head of Romeo who is waiting under my balcony. Poor Romeo.
Yes, but here’s the thing, which exit to take and more importantly, have I been on the wrong road for a while? Am I getting closer to my destination or is someone waiting for me elsewhere, somewhere? Well, after all, all roads lead to Rome (…eo), right? I will eventually find my way.
It has now been a few years since my life changed. I moved from a job I loved and which certainly paid me well but took 200% of my energy, that made me live as if I were going 300km/h on the highway of life, to a calmer life, which resembles more a country road that one travels with a tractor, with much less money, difficult ends of the month, but a serenity that would be impossible to measure with money. A serenity that is worth its weight in gold.
And there lies my dilemma.
A few days ago I was talking to a neighbour who is currently on holiday and who told me that he was not looking forward to going back to work in 2 weeks, while adding that it was the price to pay for having a holiday. A job to make ends meet all year round to be able to afford a moment of respite in the middle of summer. I completely understand this idea, it’s how many of us have always lived.
For my part, it’s the complete opposite. I have the joy of doing things that I love immensely. Writing, painting… but I do not earn enough to go on holiday.
Is it the price to pay for living an artist's life? Perhaps?
I don’t want to be the girl who asks too much of life. I know how to be content with very little (and maybe that’s my problem). I am in good health unlike someone very close to me who is currently fighting against cancer, I am raising my 13-year-old son alone who is homeschooling, so working from home allows me to be present for him every day, to support him in his education and in pursuing his own passions. And his results are really very good, he is a kind and sociable boy. What more could one ask for?
In my wildest dreams, we would do exactly the same thing, but elsewhere. And we would be free to travel. To explore the most beautiful regions of France and why not the World. To wake up in the mountains, do our work, go hiking, take photos of nature so beautiful in all seasons… I wouldn’t always drink my coffee in the same place. This blog would become a kind of postcard of our life… I would always write to you, because I love to write, but I am sure my words would be different. The way we create is always inspired by our energy of the moment, by our life.
What should I do to achieve that without becoming someone I am not?
That is the question I ask myself.
Is writing, music, painting there to help me earn a living or just to make me feel good? Because that is indeed the greatest gift of art. That delicious feeling of fullness. Should it be traded for money? When passion becomes a business, is there a way for it not to be destructive in this world where everything relies on overproduction?
So my twisted mind kicks in at certain moments and tells me "maybe you should take a day job to not destroy what you love, to travel more often too".
By the way, it may seem simple for you. Even logical. "Go work, go do some cleaning and bring back money." That’s what I was told one day. If I had been 20 at that time, I would have felt guilty and would surely have lowered my eyes in apology and replied, "you are right." But I am 44 and I have already known a life full of sacrifices, a life where I always put myself last. Now, I would like to think a little about myself and just do what I love without having to justify it. So I would reply with a smile, "You can do your own cleaning. Best regards."
The fact is that I do not want to have to give up this life that I have spent several years building. To give up just before the finish line that may be so close. I love this life, it’s only my environment that I would like to change. The form, but not the substance. To escape a little. I would love my eyes to be able to open to new, more inspiring landscapes in the morning.
Must I sacrifice all this in the name of money ?
I still have the strength to hold on, but will life (or rather society) give me the time ? We are always asked to hurry, but the most solid things are always those that have been built over time. Built with the heart. Is there another way to create ?
How many businesses created in a rush come to life only because one must "do something with their life"? All this to collapse like a house of cards shortly after because solid foundations were not laid. In love affairs, just as in business, starting is always easy, lasting is much more complicated. Loving what one does helps immensely.
How many YouTube channels, Instagram or TikTok accounts cost their creator their soul, their health, their energy because they find themselves trapped in a system that promises them freedom while imprisoning them in the meanders of "you should do more, always. And never stop. Never." It reminds me of something… That highway at 300km/h that one day sent me right into the wall.
I really want to believe that it is possible to live from one's passions. A simple life, full of simple but happy moments. Happiness often hides in the little things, the small moments, I am convinced of it.. By the way, I am currently preparing a series of very small paintings in homage to this conviction.
I want to believe that I am taking an exit in the roundabout of my life and that it will lead me somewhere where I can stop a bit, breathe, have my coffee and look my son in the eyes while saying to him:
"There we are baby, we have arrived."
Joanna 🦋
PS: Thanks to Roméo for making an appearance in this article. I've always been told that doing a duet with a star is a good way to get noticed. Let's see if dear Romeo is still in demand.
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